My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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