I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
