You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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