why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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