just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
