I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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