but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
