So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
