I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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