There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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