this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
