help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
