I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
