Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
