I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
