i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
