I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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