I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
