Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
me + whiskey = a bad person
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
