You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
