you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
