p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
