I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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