Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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