8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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