This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
