I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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