She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
