i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
