So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
