Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
