Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Randomize