i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
