Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Randomize
