Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
