This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
