Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
