Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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