Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Randomize
