I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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