you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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