Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
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