Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
