How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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