so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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