Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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