but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
