oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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