You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She told me I should be a condom model.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize