is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
