And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
