I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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