Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
