But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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