in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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