i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
