i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
