and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
