if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
