Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I think i got beer on your cat.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
